Embracing Singlehood: Finding Joy In Journey of Self-Discovery

Why are you single? A common question for an adult over 30 I have been asked it numerous times ever since I graduated high school. People ponder that in the age of social media, one is still single. I have been fielding the questions with limited excuses. Recently, my 6-year-old niece (Prashvi Thapa) drew a picture on the whiteboard at my home. I asked her then what she was drawing. She replied in her babbling voice, "That is you, and that is your prince". I could see a beautiful princess-like figure with a prince. I was super shocked to listen to her. I responded with a friendly laugh and asked, "Why do I need a prince?" She stammered a little and got breathless as she replied, "A prince saves everything; that’s why you need a prince." I added some more questions to the 6-year-old toddler: "Why do I need anyone to save me?" She answered me in one breath without thinking with a question: 'Isn't it a prince who saves, makes, and decorates a castle?’ I asked her another question, "Does a prince save my castle, and how does he save it?" She hastily replied, "He has a sword to protect me and my castle. You might not be able to make and save a castle."

I was giggling over her babbling logic as I listened to her argument. Moreover, I was dumbfounded at witnessing the passive influence of society over a small female child. Oh ya! It is true. Excuses are essential for a single woman. I keep an equilibrium between facial gestures and tone while answering excuses. No matter what excuses come out of my tongue, I make sure I will have the same facial gesture and tone with a giggle. I always want people to recall me as a smiling woman. 

That is why, regardless of the time, place, and most importantly, my mood, I don’t take a second to explain why I am single with a big, wide smile on my face. Don’t get me wrong; I reply most of the time, not because I know why I am single. I have to reply because I have to. It is not only to shut the mouth and wink at those curious eyes but to end self-accusing comprehension. Yes! We have to deal with not only external questions but also self-accusing interior questions. Why am I still single? Do I have a problem? Physical, psychological, or more on a spiritual level, is it my fate? In order to explore reason more realistically, I am guided by the thought of making choices in life. When I have enough time to explain, I use a philosophical tone. I explain beautifully that the status I am leading is my choice. I had chosen this life in my adolescence. 

My heart used to scuttle away from conjugal life. I did not want to get married then. But I am an adult now. Amidst difficult questions, I want to understand this phenomenon called life.

My attempt to understand the present takes me to the past. I arrived here safely. Precisely, I would rather say I had nothing much left of hurtful grudges. I did not die of anything, as conventional wisdom would say of heartbreaks (Believe me, I had a nasty one). I wonder how I can go further by looking at the past, but it was beautiful. When the world is busy planning for the future, I turn back and contemplate life and relationships. I think the same as D.H. Lawrence: "The only history is a mere question of one’s struggle inside oneself. But that is the joy of it." So, I am taking a joyful ride to the past to understand the present. One's internal fight is the only thing that has any historical significance.

I always wanted to understand human emotion, relationships, and sexuality. My understanding is not enough, but I am observing keenly. My intense observation is leading nowhere, so I am holding onto the past and playing with thoughts to manufacture good words so that I can write away from these dichotomies of good versus bad, wrong versus right, and beautiful versus ugly. I am dwelling on my thoughts to find out an answer to how our past can revisit us beautifully. 

The journey was discontinued, yet the past re-arrives, not haunting or hurting. But it also leaves another hole once again with the question, why am I still single? I always used to get scared of ending up with a rake. I still do. I never wanted heartbreak or a sad love story.

Life is a scheduled phenomenon. We need to plan our lives like we plan our days. Planning a day is manageable, but not life. I have made my choice, yet I have not been able to draw a conclusion from my experience. There is no such experience. I cannot explain why that happened. 

However, despite using all my might, I have been choosing the kind of life I seek, but I still cannot find a reason: why am I single? People find me peculiar at both times: when I have a solid answer and when I respond with an empty and silent smile. Yes, there was a time when I did not want to get married. As I grew older, I understood the significance and pertinence of long-term affinity. So, I am different from the person I was in my 20s. I want to run away from questions, accusations, and justifications. I want to be respected, desired, welcomed, and watched by special people. It was during my second year of my master’s that I reasonably zeroed in on someone in order to start off a conjugal life. I dated for 10 months and had to call it off due to a few misunderstandings. Life seems easy with social media, but at times it is the reason for people falling out of love. I always believe results are more crucial than reasons. 

So, I don’t want to give all the reasons why I ended my relationship with him. After him, I remember a couple of men, even from Craigslist, knocking on my door. However, nothing led me to put an end to the question, why am I single? 

I have always been headstrong and know what I want in my life. However, life is ambiguous. No matter how certain you are of yourself, ambiguity brings you to your knees. Hence, rather than dwelling upon unanswerable questions, I have started raising a question: why would anyone want to know if I am single? If they want me not to be, then they should bring a good suitor. 

Eventually, I decided to respond to this profound question with a catchy line that goes like this: Even though my prince charming has lost his way, my life is no less than a fairy tale.

 (The author is a freelance writer.)