Fear Of Change

Numila Shrestha

As I grow older, many things don't feel the same anymore. The things I used to love doing as a child seem unessential as though I've forgotten what I saw as enjoyment. The more I think about the things that might happen in the future, the more worried I get. This never happened to me before, so why is it that the things I do at this time are the most important for my future? What happened to the simplest things in life where we had one thing to worry about which was if I got to watch my favourite cartoon on the TV? All these thoughts come up in a whiff, leading me to think about the reason behind everything. 

Accepting is really hard. As I grew older, I lost my loved ones and I got to meet new people. The feeling of loss was hard to accept. Everything had to go and there is no saying when it is going to come back. I wish for everything to be a dream but I find it hard to accept that this is the reality I live in. My father once told me that if I was to live a better life, then I needed to start accepting the changes. I have to familiarise myself that fear is a natural part of our lives but the thing is, it can often evoke fear and uncertainty. 

I wake up every day, and rush to school. I worry about my assignments, my sleep, the portion I eat, the way people view me, everything.  The responsibilities I try to balance in my head keep on falling. The fear of letting my parents down because I made a mistake that shouldn’t have been committed as an older sister is upsetting. As I grow, I think about the roles I have to maintain. When did this thought even come to my mind? What happened to worrying about my mother going to my maternal uncle’s house without me? It starts to creep up like quick sand. I hate it. Every move I make and every word I say is like a cranberry. Sourly arranging my life around the things I said. It coyly devours my mind inch by inch.

“Life is an experiment,” she said, but everyday feels like I have my head under water. My body is a disorder and I am forced to live in it. Every night I curl up in my bed and bring out a fountain of tears. A sense of gloom rushes through my body and takes over. I squeeze the edge of my shirt and start thinking of myself as a human being. What went wrong?

I wish to be reclining in my hammock and reading a horror fiction while the birds sing their melody. The sun glistening in the river nearby and the clouds moving with the wind. The trees swaying and the birds gliding along the sky. I wore my pretty blue dress that my father bought me the other day, it matches perfectly with the colour of the sky. The smell of fresh air drifts to my nose and I hum a certain tune that was stuck in my head. The fragrance of the nearby flowers adds the cherry on top to this over imaginative story which I know won’t come true.

It seems like my eyes chase after something, something that cannot be defined or brought to reality.  Dullness and gloom always seem to be overpowering. “Cheer up and live life” doesn’t seem to come out on its own. Someday, I wish to understand that things need time. I cannot just expect anything to come in a swift.

They want to show off my skills and my achievements but what about my thoughts? I know I won’t step down but the process and the thought of going to a new place or an abrupt change in my life is scary. This time again, the feeling of newness, shaky hands, sweat and heart beating abnormally all seem too familiar. 

Sleepless nights come all the time. The thoughts fill my mind and sadness comes around the corner. It doesn’t seem like acceptance is coming around soon.