Love, Life And Livelihood

wepal is a country where foreign culture gets fused in with or without understanding the full meaning of it. In recent days,  the celebration of Valentine Day and observation of Baby Shower have become  new fads, which are not part of our culture. Have these two adopted cultures increased love in Nepal? A recent conversation among an intergenerational group raised an interesting discussion. An octogenarian commented that she has been leading her life being controlled first by her parents, uncles and the elders who raised her, then by her parents- in-laws and the society and is now was still feeling controlled by her children. A few in their sixties repeated the same sentiment.

 One added that she had wanted to become an architect and join the government services but instead had to manage her house, go to different districts where she accompanied her husband when he was transferred, to take his official responsibilities. Later she managed to establish her niche in the education sector and has managed to become a successful professional although this was not what she wanted to do. Similarly, a woman in the late fifties added that although she was more attuned to her rights and chose her own profession and was encouraged both by her parents and in-laws to pursue her career as she wanted, she had been conditioned to shoulder all the responsibilities that she had been brought up to do based on the cultural value system she grew up in. She therefore carried all the gendered responsibilities which were expected by the in-laws and the society. 

Arranged marriage 

These are all women who had been married when they were in their early and late twenties via the arranged marriage system in Nepal. While the ladies in their eighties, and sixties had met their husbands directly during the marriage ceremonies, the women in fifties and forties had been introduced to their would-be-husbands during the process of the arrangement of their marriages and spent a few months courting before the marriage ceremonies. Then there were a number of women in their thirties and twenties who were unmarried not because they did not want to be married but because they did not find suitable candidates they could relate to. 

In Nepal, there is still a system of arranged marriage as the culture of intermingling and finding their own life partners is still not widely done. However, love marriage is on the rise and inter-cast, inter-class and inter-religion marriages are increasing. Among the elite group in urban places acceptance of such inter community marriage is there to some extent. However, still there are restrictions imposed on such couples. Together with the increase in love marriages, there is also an increase in instances of people in-living relation after Nepal Government made it legal. However, in-living relationship is still a taboo in the society and is not widely practiced. 

The examples cited above of all inter-generational women are those who have excelled in their professions and who at the same time are good home makers. These women shouldered the responsibilities of their homes including cooking, feeding, cleaning, washing, taking care of their elders and children as well as earning for their families. Most of the women of the senior generations earned and spent on the family rather than on themselves. Comparatively, the younger generation women spend more of their earnings on themselves. While women have started earning on top of their domestic workload, more and more men have also started contributing some amount of their time in domestic works. 

However, in Nepali households, the joint family system is still prevalent. Where there are multiple sons they all live together until all children are married then partition of the family’s wealth is carried. Then family disintegrate as people start living separately. In most cases, the parents live with one son and his family. Therefore, even if men of the younger generations start involving themselves in domestic work, it is still not a fully accepted thing and is therefore limited to certain households. Where is love among all this cross generational population?

Momentary smiles

There are grandparents who receive Valentine cards and cakes sent by their children and grandchildren from overseas via online shopping and they bring momentary smiles on their faces although loneliness prevails. The Valentine’s Day has created a market which caters to gifting, treating and partying among sweethearts but how much love it has created and how much loneliness it has decreased is an issue to research on. Muna Madan is an epic in Nepali love story. It reflects how two lovers, Muna and Madan, had to be separated as Madan had to migrate to Tibet to earn for his mother and wife, but when he returned, they were both dead. It reflects how life, love and livelihood are intertwined and bring lovers and families together but also separates them before they can fully rejoice in their togetherness. 

If we review the lives of the women mentioned above, they all had their shares of beautiful moments given to them by life, love and the process of livelihood. There were sorrows, there were joys and there were struggles. Most of the times, both men and women seem to take for granted what they have and do not seem to rejoice in the things they have. Once a loved one is gone or opportunities pass away, the realisation of what could have been missed and what could have been done often hits hard. Therefore, if we want to rejoice and celebrate Valentine’s Day, let us start rejoicing in the love, life and livelihood events that we all get and wish love and peace for all on earth. 

(Sharma is a journalist and women rights advocate. namrata1964@yahoo.com Twitter handle: @NamrataSharmaP)