The Psychology Of Modern Dating

From candle-lit dinners to digital “likes,” the language of love has changed dramatically. Millions of individuals nowadays, from New York to Kathmandu, are seeking connectivity via apps and algorithms. However, nowadays, in this era of infinite matches, loneliness is sneaking up. Although there has been unequalled access to potential partners, research indicates that the number of young adults who are single, confused, or emotionally exhausted has never been this extreme. The promise of connection has turned into what many describe as a cycle of talking stages, situationships, and emotional confusion. So, what has become of love in this new era? A search for companionship, or a game of psychological defense?

The times are better characterised in the present vocabulary of dating than situationship. It appears to be a relationship, but it is not. Two individuals enjoy togetherness, memories, and even a future without answering the question of what we are. A 2024 Pew Research study found that over 50 per cent of people who have ever dated before age 35 years had been in some type of undefined relationship. According to psychologists, this increasing trend indicates a general fear of being vulnerable, wanting to be close, with the fear of commitment. This attitude resonates with Social Exchange Theory, which posits that individuals compute relationships as transactions, in pursuit of maximum reward and minimum emotional cost. 

Conditional love 

However, as conditional love and loss of clarity take their toll, the anxiety gets in the hole.  Individuals look at their phones to check the replies that do not arrive, reread conversations to discern some secret message, and start questioning their own value. We ask it, drop after drop, in a vain attempt to escape heartbreak. Another familiar trend of the digital era is named breadcrumbing, or providing a person with just enough attention in order to keep him or her interested, with no aim of actual involvement. A message here, an emoji there. It is heart-tugging bait that holds people hanging on the uncertainty. This intermittent reinforcement, which keeps gamblers fascinated by slot machines, is what psychologists refer to as such. 

The irregular reward, the one message comes after days of silence, causes an act of little burst of dopamine to keep alive the hope. It is closely related to benching, in which another person is kept as an option when other choices are considered. It indicates the attitude of plenty, a byproduct of dating apps that offer inexhaustible options. However, according to psychologist Barry Schwartz, in his article, The Paradox of Choice, excessive choices usually cause not satisfaction but rather paralysis. When everybody is a potential maybe, no one is a yes.

In the event that breadcrumbing is emotional starvation, then love bombing is emotional overload. It starts with seriousness: never-ending messages, big statements, vows of eternity after only a few dates. It is very exciting, a kind of movie-like experience. However, once the intensity abruptly disappears, unease and disappointment take its place. Experts claim that love bombing usually follows the patterns of narcissism or avoidance. It is a method of controlling as it creates emotional dependency then withdraws fondness. 

True love needs equilibrium between passion and commitment, as well as intimacy. Love bombing is roaming with passion but bypasses the gradual learning. What ensues is a flash fire, bright, thrilling and short. A more significant cultural obsession behind this rush is the pursuit of The One. Perfection is idealised in the soulmate narrative, and this effect is enhanced by social media and the dating culture. But perfection is a myth. The further we pursue it, the more the human connection is wanting.

Sustained connection

Contemporary dating is not just influenced by the heart but also by design. In its dubiousness, dating apps flourish on uncertainty, which is the logical foundation of their success. Each swipe, like or match will provide a micro-dose of validation, a digital reward that will rarely result in a sustained connection. Over 700,000 users allegedly quit Tinder in 2024 alone, citing weariness and frustration. According to the user claiming to be an active user as reported in The Guardian, it is as rewarding as gambling your heart, a sugar buzz that leaves you empty at the end. Technology has destroyed the distinction between possibility and performance. 

In a way, the psychology of contemporary dating is a much greater statement about our epoch: humans are seeking intimacy and are afraid of being discussed. We haunt out of being challenged. we breadcrumb, we want to control. Our pursuit of perfection is driven by the fact that we are unable to tolerate imperfection. But love is a gesture of boldness, a desire to be perceived even without understanding what will follow. The call is for us to reconnect not only with one another, but also with ourselves, as relationships are increasingly digital and less real. Not to quote, who will love me? But am I prepared to love without fear? 

(Sapkota is pursuing a bachelor's in psychology and social work at St. Xavier’s College, Kathmandu.)