The Perfect Women's Burden

Recently, while scrolling through social media, I came across a saying by a female inspirational speaker who pointed out that our society is progressing in such a way that we want our daughters to be so successful that they could even reach the moon. However, before leaving the house, they should not forget to make food for the family. This reflects the ground reality of today’s modernised life for women. Women have always been assigned multiple roles historically, socially, and religiously. Now, they are burdened with an extra role—being a successful woman while also managing and serving the family. The idea of the “perfect woman" is becoming even more diverse, pressuring women to willingly take on both socially defined roles of men and women simultaneously.

Men, still today, go to work with the food served on the table, but for women, it’s not so, as the food has to be prepared, served, fed to juniors and seniors, and the kitchen cleaned. Her meal is always a hassle with the least concern, as we find so many women preparing even day meals for their children and parents but not finding time to feed themselves, as it’s of least priority. This is the image of ideal women that society wants to see.

 Women's empowerment and equality are being raised, and it’s getting huge attention globally. But the feminism that we witness in contemporary society is either a sugar-coated form of the age-old patriarchy or some reformative, which are labelled as extremist. No doubt Nepal has been massively undergoing metamorphosis in the arena of women empowerment, as seen through the appointment of Bidhya Devi Bhandari for two consecutive tenures as the President of Nepal and also having woman Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Nepal Sushila Karki, which are matters to be proud of. Our current constitution of Nepal 2015 mandates various provisions, like at least one woman appointed in the nation’s highest positions, including President or Vice-President, Speaker or Deputy Speaker, and Chair or Vice-Chair of the National Assembly. Other provisions include at least one of the mayor or deputy mayor positions having to be women at the municipality level and at the local level, women should hold at least 40 per cent of all top political positions, etc. The mandatory provisions and women holding such high positions are silver linings for women in the patriarchal society. But the patriarchal notions are so embedded in our mindset that the representation of women is just ostentatious of women empowerment, as they have to act as a mouthpiece of men’s opinion in many cases, discouraging their meaningful involvement.

 However, situations are changing, and so are the struggles of women. Women had to struggle to get out of the four walls before, but now, the struggle is to get out of the walls on time with all the happy faces of all members of the family. It’s said that the most painful wars are the ones that are fought against loved ones, and the story of every successful woman is, thus, a story of pain.

Women are expected to be jobholders to support their family economically. The 2021 data from the National Statistics Office shows that the share of women workers with a monthly income smaller than Rs. 7,600 is 58 per cent while the share of women workers is only 12.2 per cent whose monthly incomes are more than Rs. 25,000. Analysing the data, it is evident that women are encouraged to be economically active, but seeing the same women progressing is not yet welcoming, as when the same woman becomes too successful, then the whole family has to suffer. The children get less attention, and so the studies get ruined. The husband has to serve the food for himself. And the parents are the worst hit as they don’t have someone to order their basic needs. Women who are career-oriented are perceived as having disorientated families.

A new culture is being developed in cosmopolitan cities of Nepal. Now, son and daughter are equal, and in some cases, daughters are more equal than sons. Thanks to the growing awareness among the educated parents. But the society is taking a gloomy turn as of the present; there is growing inequality between daughter and daughter-in-law. Daughters are expected to be educated, successful, and loving. To state it precisely, daughters are the princesses to the family. But once they become a daughter-in-law, they turn into a maid rather than being the queen. They, after marriage, have to be an all-rounder in the husband’s family, but again, while coming back to the parents’ home, she is again treated as a princess by her family. Here lies an even more disconsolate reality of current society since the daughter troubles the life of the daughter-in-law who is in her parents’ home.

This patriarchy is costing the mental health of many women. No doubt, there are even more agonies if we talk of the physical pains and the aggression physically meted out to the women, which surfaces in newspapers almost daily and which, to some extent, is still perceived as normal in our society. But the mental sufferings are seldom talked about, nor do they get attention, as it’s not only a single woman who is suffering. It’s a common phenomenon safeguarded with a notion of culture, which women are bound to handle as normal acts. With the education and the voices of women empowerment coming to the surface in such vigorous ways, women tend to have a strong sense of the need for economic independence and success at any cost with the feeling of “I can do it, but with an underlining psychological “truth— ‘Because I am not left with any other option.” The stereotypical social narratives often dismiss their struggle, and they, over time, grow a sense of leftover in the journey of success. 

Even the data from the Nepal Demographic and Health Survey-2022 gives a clear picture, as twice as many Nepali women suffer from mental health problems as do Nepali men. Women had a higher point prevalence of anxiety (21.9 per cent vs. 11.3 per cent) and depression (5.4 per cent vs. 1.7 per cent) than men.

As patriarchy is something that has been going on for ages, women should better understand that change does not happen abruptly. The growing awareness among women about their rights and duties and the ever-evolving chain of burden are making women more frustrated, especially in urban areas. So, as change cannot happen overnight, women should also act calmly, dealing with everyday wars with no toil on mental health. The energy of women should be on trying to make women of tomorrow's lives better and less of a hassle than to ruin current emotions. Change will definitely be possible, but for now, we should be at least happy that we are making our journey to the moon, which was formidable in our parents’ generation.

 (The author is a technical officer at the National Archives of Nepal.)