Psychology Of Silence

Gillian Mccann And 

Gitte Bechsgaard 

Despite the fact that human beings spend a great deal of time talking, it is an activity we tend not to think about very much. It is, in fact, one of the defining features of being a human being. However, it is remarkable how often talking becomes delinked from communication.

This, in turn, can have a serious impact on relationships and on any attempts at self-awareness. Thoughtless speech can destroy a relationship, and heightened rhetoric can start or end a war, and yet we treat this power with great casualness. A quick look at search engines reveals that many of us wonder, and so ask the internet, why so many people seem to speak without listening. There are many psychological theories for why this might be the case—such as an expression of anxiety, a desire to impress, or simply to fill empty space. 

Many overtalkers are aware of their tendencies and how they impact their lives. As Dan Lyons notes in his book STFU: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut in an Endlessly Noisy World, this form of speech is, in fact, a compulsion and a sort of addiction. Lyons describes his increasingly desperate attempts to rein in his talking at social events. And even if our rambling is not pathological, most of us have had the experience of feeling we are often speaking unconsciously.

There is often a gap between being aware of the problem and knowing what to do about it. The world’s spiritual traditions have something to contribute to this discussion. Buddhism and Hinduism both emphasise the importance of non-harmful and positive speech. And most religions include practices of keeping silent for periods of time. The Trappist order of monasticism practices a constant vow of silence except for specific occasions. Buddhist or yoga retreats also often feature this practice, and anyone who has practiced group meditation knows how jarring it can be to suddenly be plunged into chatty conversation after a period of contemplation.

This practice of silence is common across spiritual traditions because they recognise the amount of energy that is wrapped up in constant talking. Those who teach will recognise the truth of this. After lecturing for hours at a time, many of us instinctively fall into silence after a long class. Silence is the quickest and easiest way to work at settling and focusing the mind after being in a demanding environment.

Self-reflection in silence can allow for deep thought and for transformation. In his remarkably candid story, D.G. Marshall described his three-month vow of silence while walking 1,000 km on the Compostela de Santiago pilgrimage. Marshall had parlayed his life-long talkative tendencies into a career as a radio host. However, approaching a milestone, he realized that, “the only truth I discovered was this: I was a selfish, egotistical, judgmental jerk. It hit me when I was close to turning 50 and almost every significant relationship in my life was in tatters.”

The vow of silence and the grueling journey resulted in a deep transformation as Marshall was able to examine his life and the reasons for his need for constant chatter. While he makes clear there is no quick fix, he returned home to begin to try and repair his relationships and use his new skills of observation and listening. It was not a magical cure-all, but it allowed him to begin to come into real relationships with himself and others.

And perhaps this points to a reason many reject silence—the self-reflection may require that we change something about our lives. Talk and busyness are the chief ways that we can stay distracted and not address what is going on in our interior world. That is why contemplative practices are very rarely relaxing. We may be confronted with aspects of ourselves and our lives that we have been avoiding.

Research is finally beginning to catch up with what religious traditions have been teaching for millennia—that there are riches to be found in silence. The benefits include improved health, stress reduction, and better mental processing. It is also no surprise that more and more people are going on various forms of retreat. Silence remains largely countercultural, so it can be difficult in a busy noisy world to uphold even a short vow. But the benefits are many, and, as Marshall puts it, “shutting up saved my life.”

- Psychology Today