Fear Of Saying ‘No’

Britti Aryal

As a child, we were taught that saying no is quite impolite and inappropriate. If we say no to our elders, it is considered to be rude. Saying no is off limits and yes is a polite and likable thing. And these unhelpful beliefs have created a big fear of saying no when you want to. This illusory belief is still in my mind and I cannot get out of it.

There is a great fear attached to uttering this simple two-letter word. I still associate “no” with being dislikable and bad-mannered.  I want to say no to so many things but end up saying yes. So many things start running through my mind. I worry that I end up being alone after saying no. What if they rejected me? What if they abandoned me for saying no? Sometimes I find myself thinking “No, no, no” and I blurt out “yes”. I am afraid of saying “no” because my biggest fear is rejection.  I don’t want to disappoint anyone which is one of the main reasons why I worry about saying no. 

Living in a “yes” culture society has made me believe that the person who gets ahead is the one who says yes to everything that comes their way. I always thought that saying no means losing an opportunity to do so many things. Nobody taught me that saying no to the things you don’t like doesn’t make you unkind and rude. Saying no doesn’t make you selfish. Rather it is important to say “No” to the things you don’t like. Saying no not only helps to create healthy boundaries but also enables you to be more honest and genuine with others. Saying no makes things to be clearer and more concise. 

Perceiving that the fear of being judged, rejected, and disliked by others was stopping me from being myself. I then tried living my life for myself without thinking of anybody. I realised it is of no importance to please everyone, to the point where I would feel stressed and resentful. After feeling trapped by my excessive urge to be agreeable to everything that others say, it got me thinking. 

I started rationalising if saying yes to the things I don’t want to is really worth it or not. It was very hard to say no to the things I already committed to. I always kept thinking about the ways to get out of it. I tried retaining and finding excuses. 

Later, I realised how much easier and straightforward it is to say no to the things you don’t like in the first place before thinking of an excuse and coming up with a lie, stressing yourself out. Everybody has a right to say “NO”. Then, why should anyone be afraid of letting other people down at the cost of their own happiness? Now, choosing my own opinion over others knowing my worth helped me overcome the fear. Learning to say no has made me feel in control. It has helped me feel entitled and free, without any guilt. 

The inability to say “no” can really have extensive consequences in all areas of our life. So, try to take control, challenge yourself and learn to say “NO” to the things you don’t like even when it is uncomfortable and awkward.