Parenting Shapes Children's Personality

A person’s personality is shaped by various factors, with parenting style being one of the most significant. In Nepal, where many households still follow the joint family model, a child’s personality is also influenced by other guardians within the family. A recent article on CNBC Make it about the parenting style of Bill Gates’s father and its impact on him growing up made me reflect on parenting in Nepal. Gates stated that his father’s parenting was so effective that he applied the same approach to raising his children. According to the article, Bill Gates credited the "Love and Logic" parenting concept for shaping his behaviour and decision-making skills, and he wanted to pass it on to his children.

As a co-founder of Microsoft and a philanthropist, Gates has achieved extraordinary success. From modest beginnings, he became a billionaire and was the richest man in the world for a significant period. He is now well-known for his philanthropic efforts. Reflecting on his childhood, Gates described himself as a difficult child who was often “at war” with his parents. He admitted that he did not always achieve good academic results, spent long hours reading in his room, and frequently disregarded his mother’s instructions. However, he noted that no matter what happened at home, he never saw his father lose his temper.

Boundary 

The "Love and Logic" concept that Gates’ father followed involves setting clear boundaries for children without using threats or repeated warnings. This approach fosters problem-solving skills and encourages children to take responsibility for their actions. While developing a training manual on life skills and working with young people to help them achieve both short-term and long-term goals, I have emphasised empathy and compassion as core values. The "Love and Logic" approach similarly encourages parents to address a child’s misbehaviour with empathy before correcting them. It also promotes allowing children to solve their problems rather than having parents or guardians step in to fix everything for them.

In an interview with CNBC Make it on February 10, 2025, Gates stated, “It was clear to me that the world was a place he had under control. He never panicked. He never had to show emotions or use emotions against me, even when I was being incredibly obstreperous.” This insight from Gates serves as food for thought for parents and guardians. Often, we lose control and let emotions take over in front of children, which may instil fear and insecurity in them. Seeing a father figure remain composed and in control can create a sense of security in children and help them develop problem-solving skills. 

Gates recalled that when he opposed his mother’s house rules, his father, after returning from work as an Attorney, would listen to the issue carefully without reacting emotionally. He would then offer suggestions and encourage Gates to handle the situation himself. His father would remind Bill that in their household things were not done that way so he needed to apologise. Additionally, Gates credited his determination to achieve success to his mother’s influence, who kept inspiring him to achieve heights.

In a recent discussion with women from different generations, including octogenarians, septuagenarians, and those in their sixties, fifties, forties, and thirties, the conversation turned to parenting styles. Across generations, fathers were often perceived as authoritarian, unapproachable, and sometimes neglectful. However, there were also cases where fathers played a nurturing role, while mothers were seen as more permissive or even neglectful. As time passes, values, traditions, and parenting styles continue to evolve. It is important for young parents now to decide what parenting styles they want to adopt. 

Nepal remains a patriarchal society, but with more women joining the workforce and becoming change-makers, household dynamics and parenting roles are also shifting. In the digital age, children have access to entertainment and information at their fingertips. Many spend excessive time on mobile phones, laptops, and televisions without parental supervision. A young father recently shared that when he called his daughter multiple times, she was so engrossed in his mobile phone that she merely nodded without looking up. Realising this was unhealthy, he firmly took the phone away and encouraged her to play outside. 

Self-defence 

Since then, he has introduced her to activities such as self-defence and other physical exercises, ensuring a balanced routine of games, studies, and outdoor activities. With women and men both busy with their professions, a strategy where firmness is applied by both parents, encouraging children to realise what mistakes they made and how to solve them should be enforced in households now. An argument among parents often leads to an unhealthy atmosphere creating space for insecurity.

In many middle-class and wealthy Nepali households, domestic help is available, and children are often pampered, focusing only on studies and personal enjoyment without participating in household chores. Boys, in particular, tend to be more pampered, and the “firm but compassionate” parenting approach is not widely applied. The Love and Logic website states that this research-based parenting philosophy, founded in 1977, is used by leading educators, parents, and professionals worldwide. Dr. Charles Fay, one of its founders, is quoted as saying, “Help kids become their own best problem-solvers so you don’t have to solve their problems for them.”

(Sharma is a senior journalist and women’s rights advocate. namrata1964@yahoo.com or on X @NamrataSharmaP.)