Emotional Time Travel

My client sighed as she spoke of her dread of another 21st century family Christmas this year. She feels that her family has been isolated from each other, even when together, by smart phones and politics. Reflecting back on happier holidays past, she smiled. “I remember the delicious smells and the laughter in my mother’s kitchen,” she said. “And our whole family around the dinner table, talking, laughing, teasing. We talked with each other, truly enjoyed one another…”

Nostalgia for simpler, happier, more emotionally connected times appears to be common these days. In a 2024 YOUGOV survey, the poll asked a wide cross section of Americans (who ranged from young adulthood to old age) which decade they considered the best across a number of measures, including family and community closeness, morality, and music, among others. A definite pattern emerged: the best decade for family life and morality was the decade when each respondent turned 11 years old. Whatever decade this was for the respondent, it was a time before the tumult of adolescence and an increasing awareness of society’s inequities, injustices, and the fallibility of trusted adults, be they parents or national leaders. The best decade for music tended to be the decade in which the respondent turned 15 and was immersed in the songs of their youth, concurrent with first love and growing independence.

When you find yourself reflecting back to the good old days, perhaps immersed in nostalgia for the past, what does this mean and how can it help to soothe the stresses of the present? Reflecting on the past may help to soothe present stress and give clues to positive changes. When my client remembered how her family of the past connected so warmly over holiday meals, this inspired her to propose some changes to her family’s holiday scenario. So, this Christmas, everyone in her family will leave their cell phones turned off and in another room so that they can look at, talk with, and fully engage each other over their holiday meal. “It will be quite a novelty for my grandchildren,” she said. “But here’s hoping for the best!”

Traveling back to an earlier time may help in dealing with life’s painful losses: Whether you’re remembering family holiday celebrations – with now deceased parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, once close friends, or the warmth of a long-ago lover’s embrace, revisiting times when all of these treasured people were in your life can help soothe the pain of loss as you remember how much you loved and were loved by these since departed people. It can be comforting to see them in memory, and can also be distressing if, like Emily in “Our Town”, you see these loved ones and yourself being so casual in your treatment of each other, as if time together were endless and unchanging. You may find, in looking back, new impetus to see, hear, and treasure the loved ones of your present.

Traveling back emotionally to a peak time in your life can be a respite from present reality. This may mean remembering your kids when they were young and excited about everything – from the holidays to seeing you walk in the door. It may mean going back to a time when you were young and hopeful and all the hard lessons and painful losses in your life had yet to happen.

Last summer, my husband had a cardiac arrest in the ocean during a beach vacation. He was on life support for several days before beginning a long, painful recovery. During those dark and uncertain times, alone late at night in our hotel room, I found myself suddenly and inexplicably thinking back to 1972. I realized that this was a time of infinite hope and possibilities, a time when the pain of loss and the challenges of growing older had yet to happen. 

Nostalgia can be a way of integrating past and present. Thoughts of the past can remind you what you might want to carry from past to present – family traditions, the way someone once central to your life made you feel, and how you might do the same for another. Traveling back in time may also give you a more balanced view of the past and present. For all the warm memories of a special time in your life, there are also old realities. It is a window into your past and the joy of loving connections back then, as well as the blessing of loving and cherishing family and friends in the present.

- Psychology Today