Feelings In Motherhood

Becoming a mother is a profound journey filled with contrasting emotions. This phenomenon describes the experience of holding opposing emotions simultaneously, such as joy and sadness, contentment and loneliness, or fulfilment and loss. Motherhood introduces women to a unique intersubjective and interpersonal space. They must navigate their desires, feelings, and motivations, along with their child's. As a result, feelings of contrast often arise, but they frequently go unnoticed or misunderstood.

During a recent session, my client, a first-time mother, opened up about the complex emotional landscape she is currently navigating. She shared her experience with remarkable honesty, capturing the duality many new mothers often express but rarely articulate so clearly. She described motherhood as “one of my greatest joys and deepest internal struggles,” noting the immense pressure she feels in juggling multiple roles—being a nurturing and emotionally present mother, maintaining a home, and remaining accessible to her partner’s needs. This multi-layered responsibility has led her to moments of intense overwhelm and emotional fatigue.

A recent moment of reflection came while she was cleaning the kitchen. She shared that she put on headphones and began dancing to music that once brought her joy. In that brief moment, she was struck by a wave of grief—“a little grief laid over my heart,” she said—recognising how much she misses parts of herself that feel distant now: her love for dance, her sense of spontaneity, and the expression of her "beautiful spirit." She poignantly added, “I think my partner does too.” This suggests an awareness of how these changes may also be affecting her relationship. Her words, “I'm happy but I'm also miserable sometimes... I'm lonely but never alone,” reflect the often paradoxical emotions new mothers carry—deep love and deep loss coexisting.

This client's reflection offers a powerful window into the realities of new motherhood, where identity, connection, and emotional well-being are constantly being renegotiated. While mothers often feel a deep connection with their child, they also experience a sense of loss of their previous sense of self. Joy and sadness coexist, leaving them feeling inadequate and wrong. Another mother expressed herself in those terms: "I want to rest, but I also want to care for my baby. Which of these needs should I prioritise? Which part of me should I listen to?" Pregnancy and motherhood trigger profound psychological and physical transformations, with the woman's body changing to nurture and protect a new life. These transformations lead to the development of new bodily schemas that bond mother and child, affecting sensory-motor identity and triggering neurobiological changes in the brain.

During pregnancy, the mother develops new bodily schemas deeply intertwined with those of her baby. Both adapt to each other's presence, forming habits and connections even before birth. This bond extends into the postpartum period, where interactions with the infant continue to shape the mother's brain, fostering neural reorganisation and strengthening the intersubjective connection with her child.  In motherhood, motivation doesn't stem solely from personal volition but from something bigger than us, a sort of egoless organic force that moves our body in unexpected directions. The transition from pregnancy to motherhood involves a reorganisation of motivational life, where the woman's usual personality encounters new forces and meanings that are not yet recognizable.

Husserl's phenomenology suggests that motivations arise from a natural flow of primal affections and instincts, forming habits that constitute the core of motivational life. If the woman is left free to listen to her new self without conditionings and expectations, her new identity will self-regulate in harmony with her child's, discovering a new sense of rightness in their coexistent journey. The feeling of contrast in early motherhood represents the coexistence of equally true and pursuable emotions. On a bodily level, this feeling arises when needs clash, such as rest versus caring for the child. The responses from the mother's support network can amplify the sense of confusion, isolation, and loss. Understanding these contrasts requires embracing the tension between the superior and inferior spirits, where motivations, values, and decisions operate. The woman becomes a subject through the spontaneous encounters with her organic body and the development of new habits.

The feeling of contrast highlights the birth of a new aspect of emotional consciousness, where both emotions are valid and deserving of consideration. By acknowledging this duality, mothers can navigate their journey with compassion and understanding. The feeling of contrast in early motherhood is a normal and valid experience that should not be dismissed as mere hormonal changes. Instead, it reflects the emergence of an intersubjective body, a new identity formed through the interplay of motivations, desires, and values. By embracing this complexity and practicing self-care, new mothers can find balance and fulfilment in their transformative journey. Recognising these feelings of contrast can help new mothers feel less isolated and more connected to others who have shared similar experiences.

- Psychology Today