Anil Pant

Several years back, a Danish friend of mine told me that he was getting divorce from his wife. When asked about the reason, he told me that his wife felt that she could not do well in her career. My friend had a well-paid job and he used to come to media quite often so he was a well-known man in Denmark.
The wife had started to feel low about husband having a good career and she not having it. They took the help of marriage councillor but it did not work and eventually divorce happened. Of course, this was the version of my friend, as I did not have a chance to get the view of the wife. My friend told me after divorce that he had taken the custody of two children and there was an arrangement for his ex-wife to visit the children.
A few years later, this friend invited me to his house for stay when I had an opportunity to visit Denmark. When I reached the house, he introduced me to his two small children. He then introduced me to an elderly woman in her late 70s who was my friend’s ex mother-in-law.

'Unique' Relations
My friend told me that the elderly woman would come to the house two days a week and cook food for him and his two children and helps in other daily chores. This was the love of a grandmother to her grand children! My friend then told me that his ex-wife lived close-by in a live-in relationship with another man and she would come two days a week to cook food for children and support in daily chores. When she comes, they eat together.
He also told me that he cooks food two days a week and one day a week they (my friend and children) go out for dinner. Thus, when the divorce happened they focused on children and made arrangements for children to have as much comfort as possible.
This was something new to me: someone who was born and raised in Nepal. Here still divorces are not so common, though they are increasing. Here it is hard to imagine a divorcee couple going to each other’s house and it is out of imagination for an ex mother-in-law to visit the house of an ex son-in-law.
This experience puzzled me about how the western society works on family matters but also gave me a good impression that the society still gives prime importance to children even though social value systems of western countries and ours are different: with the western society normalising divorces but in Nepal, it is still seen as being not normal.
A few years later, I had an opportunity visit Denmark again and he invited me over to his house again. This time, his ex mother-in-law had already passed away so he and his ex wife had made different arrangements to make sure that children are taken care of.
His ex wife was still coming to his house for a few days a week to help. In this visit, I also met his ex-wife who had come to help in cooking and other daily chores. My friend was a devoted father and he raised the two children without getting married again with the help of his ex wife.
Recently, one of my friends in the USA told me that he had had a divorce not far long back and he was undergoing difficult period. But, nevertheless, in his recent Facebook post, he said he was grateful to his life for giving him two lovely children and he was thankful that he had such a caring mother for his two children- who was his ex wife. He was saying that he considers his ex wife a good friend. So, here also, despite divorce, they were still good friends and managing life putting children in focus.
I later got an opportunity to observe the western life and family systems when I had a chance to live in western society for many years. One thing fascinating about western society is value given to family.
In Nepal, I had developed an understanding that western society is very much individualistic as children move out from their parents’ house whey they turn 18 and that elderly people go to elderly home because children cannot take care of elderly parents. So, my perception of western society was that not of having close-knit families. However, when I had a living exposure to western society, this perception changed.
The Western society values families very much but how they value is different. Still there is a great deal of individual freedom, but family remains a very much-valued unit. When I pondered why I started feeling that one key reason could be that in western societies, particularly in cities where I had to live, the sense of being in a community is not so strong like in Nepal.
In Nepal, people still know their neighbours (except in some metropolitan city like Kathmandu), generally engage in communities and often some help can come from community friends also, whereas in western societies- particularly in cities- the help in time of need comes from family members and generally not from neighbours or from community. So, I thought that the family becomes the primary and most often the sole unit for support in need western societies.

Brave New Families
The divorces and strong-link and friendships between divorcees and their families were fascinating for me indicating that the western society has already practised a concept of post-modern families. I was reading a book written over 20 years ago entitled Brave New Families authored by Judith Stacey.
In her book, Judith writes about the stories of domestic upheaval in late 20th century America and highlights the emergence of post-modern extended family in America. There is an example of a couple- Pamela and Albert who had intermittently co-habited and got legally married in 1975 and wanted to celebrate their reborn marriage with a ceremony.
The re-born wedding ceremony had Pamela’s ex husband serving as official photographer. The ex-husband had come with a woman who he was in live-in relationship and who was going to be his third wife. Pamela’s two daughters from her first marriage were helping in the ceremony.
Pam and her ex-husband’s son (from her second marriage) were also attending the ceremony. Judith describes the ceremony as being attended by a ‘confusing tangle’ of former, step-, dual and in-law relatives. This was a ceremony attended by ‘divorce extended family’.
In contrast Nepal’s extended family would come from traditional joint family system and even the increasing number of nucleus family keep the legacy of joint family in different forms: like children of relatives particularly from rural areas living in their close relatives’ house in cities to study.
However, in western societies a family may be much more scattered than what has traditionally been in Nepal. When children grow, they move out and many of them go to other cities or even other countries.

'Extended Family'
Thus, increasingly the ‘extended family’ includes people from previous marriages and a new thing for us is that while here people normally do not maintain normal relationship among extended family members providing mutual help when marriages break down, in western society, it happens most often.
Whereas in Nepal, our concept of extended family still remains rooted in monogamy and blood relation, the western society has a new reality of so many broken marriages that a new system has evolved which still tries to keep the essence of being in an extended family- albeit of different kind.
This involves a mix of blood relations as well as relatives from previous marriages- ex wife, husbands, ex in laws, stepsons, and stepdaughters and so on. However, the essence remains the same in both societies: reaching out to each other in family when in need and helping each other. Yet, what constitutes an extended family in western societies and in Nepal is becoming quite different!

(A development expert, Pant also writes on social issues)